Parenting and the Science of Muddling Through
In the last century child psychologists asked parents to set aside our experience, reject our instincts, and not have faith in our innate ability to rear a child. Humans have been around for millennia. Evolution is designed to get one generation into the next. Just like in pregnancy, a creative dynamic—a complex system of communication—between child and parent is there to ensure success. Why would this sublime communication end in childbirth? Experiences inform our choices and if we pay attention to our children’s effect on us, they become players in the daily process of setting priorities. We make decisions. Sometimes they seem right and sometimes wrong, either way we “muddle through” the daily challenges of parenting.
The concept of “muddling through” is central to my understanding of parenting—and life. I probably use the phrase a few times a week in my clinical practice and try to live by it every day. You’d think this central tenant was drawn from countless articles by child psychologists, family therapists, and kind mentors. But, a public policy article I read in graduate school influenced my practice and parenting style more than any of the “experts” in family dynamics and child development.
In 1959 Charles Lindblom, a Yale University political science professor, wrote a very influential article entitled, The Science of "Muddling Through." The article, written in Public Administration Review, Vol. 19, No. 2 (Spring, 1959), ushered in the “theory of incrementalism.” While this article is about public policy, it had a profound effect on many disciplines and on me. Lindblom challenged the practice of defining long-term goals and then identifying all the steps necessary to achieve the goal. He suggested that the best way to approach a problem is moving forward one step at a time without being certain of its effectiveness. This incremental approach, the “branching” approach, allows us to evaluate each choice on whether it moves the objective forward. He writes, “…he is in effect able to test his previous predictions as he moves on to each further step. Lastly he often can remedy a past error fairly quickly—more quickly than if a policy proceeded through more distinct steps widely spaced in time.” You don’t have to know if each choice, each step forward, is the right one. You don’t have to be certain it is going to work. You just have to try it and see. You might see the possibility of a negative consequence of that choice—but go ahead anyway! He writes, “The second method of simplification of analysis is the practice of ignoring important possible consequences of possible policies, as well as the values attached to the neglected consequences.” Did he say, “ignoring possible consequences!” Is he suggesting you don’t have to get everything right? Is he saying that over time, being wrong is often MORE effective than being right? I think so. But, I don’t think he means ‘throwing caution to the wind.’
The word “responsibility” does not come close to describing the feeling many of us have when holding our child for the first time. Their vulnerability does something to us. They change us and continue to change us as we travel along an uncertain path. We are now exposed to potential suffering we could not previously imagine. We want to be careful, not make mistakes, and have a plan. But, what if the idea of a having plan and avoiding mistakes is a recipe for suffering—not a path towards “success?” We’ve been told every action we take vitally important for the wellbeing of our kids. No wonder all of us have become so anxious, crazy, and distracted. We have been indoctrinated into believing a child’s future falls solely on our shoulders. To hold full responsibility for your child’s future well-being, is like holding responsibility for the fate of the human race. You are not that important. But, in the last 100 years we have been told we are that important. We have been told a child’s success, even personhood, is the result of our efforts. Children no longer “grow up.” We “raise” them.
No wonder everyone is stressed out about parenting. No wonder so many people consider it a burden. No wonder we are so afraid of doing it “wrong.” I find this mentality disrespectful to children. They are equal participants in the project of “growing up. But, we have to be in our lives, open enough to the present moment to observe both our experience and our child’s. We have to gather data to determine the next step. Holding steadfast to some plan for the future disables us from noticing the moment, gather information, and muddle through. How can we expect a child to feel safe with us when we are fearful of our own decisions? Your children want to connect with YOU, not the best parent YOU can be. Putting it simply, you are better being a loving parent fucking up, than a loving parent afraid of fucking up. Kids know the difference. Being determined to get “it right” is more about addressing some kind of insecurity you have. It is not about them. For the most part, the kid does not care. Sure, “mistakes” have consequences. She is sad, frustrated, or angry. But even she knows it’s not the “end of the world.” Kids get over it. They are designed for resilience. They know it is one moment in a million future moments. If you think about it, eventually you get over it too. You and your kids are better off when you fuck up with confidence then when you stand idle and insecure. When you screw up, look them in the eye, tell them you are sorry. Acknowledge your limitations; teach them to embrace theirs. When we focus on loving our kids for who they are and embrace their love for us, (warts and all), what’s the worst that can happen? When we hold this essential understanding, we can contain fear of the future and embrace the muddiness of the moment.
The stress of getting each moment right distracts us from evaluating what is happening right now. That sounds like a contradiction—but it’s not. Lindblom, called this the “root” approach where each step is built on the “success” of the previous one. Some people think if their child does not read by a certain time, go to the right schools, play the sports they did, study a particular subject, get the right kind of job, meet the right kind of partner, and on and on, they will not be OK. Each development stage is fraught with stress because each moment is seen as essential. When we focus each moment in context of the next one. We are not there. We are gazing at some distant landscape.
This is one of the pervasive trends I see in my work with families. So focused on measuring a child’s achievements against their own “blueprint for my child’s success,” they lose sight of the kid altogether. Conversations trend towards discussing grades, sports, and other outcome-oriented activities. If this goes on too long the parent/child relationship dwindles to a point where there is nothing else to talk about. Parents want to have a relationship with their kid, but the only relationship they are having is with their fear and expectations. They are paying attention only to the child’s future—not the person they currently are. Adolescents, in particular, see this dynamic clearly, build resentment, and refuse to engage. They figure, “why should listen to someone who has no idea who I am?” I can’t blame them.
Recently, the parent of an 8th grader was encouraging, aka demanding, his son to learn golf, a sport the kid had absolutely no interest in. The dad was a businessman and making deals on a golf course was part of his success. So, he reasoned, golf is part of the “blueprint for success.” He wanted his child to be successful, so he wanted his kid to play golf. The father had an objective—make my child succeed. It was as if he had a set of puzzle pieces his head and was trying to build his son out of them. The boy was well aware the father was focused solely on the future and not on him in the present. He came to believe his father had no interest in him. So the boy did not reach out to his father and rejected his father’s efforts to connect. Understandably, the father was frustrated, but every time he tried to “connect,” he tried to discuss goals, grades, and progress. When his son shut down, he described the interaction was “unproductive,” stopped talking, and returned to making business calls. I reminded the father that an essential “puzzle piece” was merely a bonded relationship with his son. I suggested focusing on “unproductive” interactions, even if that meant sitting in silence watching a movie. I suggested limiting criticism and finding time to simply play with his son in the ways his son wanted to be play. Letting go of fears about how his son’s future would unfold, opened space for playing, connecting, and witnessing his son for who he is—as he is, right now.
The father was taking a “root” approach where he had pre-identified an “essential” step without the muddling through of mistakes and readjustments. Is it important to question, “What is the long-term goal and is this particular step essential for success?” Is it imperative for your child to go to college? Is it imperative that your kid does well on her biology test? Parents do get down into this kind of minutia (even when the kid is in 1stgrade) and it drives kids crazy!
There is a difference between “uncertainty” and “insecurity.” Lindblom says we can’t really be certain about each of our choices, but that does not mean we have to be insecure about final outcomes. What is certainty anyway? A priest once asked me, “Tom, what is the opposite of faith?” Like many people, I responded, “doubt.” “No,” he said, “It is certainty.” For millennia philosophers questioned what is means to “know.” Empiricist philosophers of the 1600’s believed knowledge was only garnered through experience. For them, we cannot be certain the sun will rise tomorrow—we just have to act as if it will. I can’t be certain about the parenting choices I make, but I can have faith in my child and in my parenting. Parenting is merely “muddling through.” Don’t be stressed about every decision. Accept those moments of chaos. Clean is stressful. Just watch the kids—messy is fun!
And unavoidable.
4 Comments
2 more comments...No posts
I am a psychotherapist and have a similar ethos about achievement and self doubt. I call it" Strong and Wrong ". It is a highly amusing concept to my overly stressed adult clients who crave just not having to overthink everything. We laugh about it together and it allows them to introduce a sense of play where once they might be a little overwrought. It feels like permission somehow to hear we can all "muddle through" be "strong and wrong" and still be happy humans!
Bravo again my friend!